memoryloot

As young as 5 years old, I remembered how embarassed I was to not know a lick of English when I first started going to school. I was so embarassed that I had the great idea of following my friend who was ditching school and running back to his home on the first day of school. Boy did I get it when my dad found out! I have to say that was the last time I ran away from anything.

Growing up Chinese you were never good enough or smart enough to the liking of your parents. Its some kinda of reverse psychology in which they constantly bombard you with criticism and never tell you that you were doing good. They would rather see the proof from your teacher or from your report cards. Even straight A’s didn’t help. “What? You got an A-? What’s wrong with you? Why didn’t you get an A+” Unlike many Chinese parents, my parents never boast about me or even my sister. When they used to talk to their friends about me and my sister, we were never regarded so highly. We’re always a work in progress. It was not until recently where I see a glimmer of how proud my parents really are. “They’re good kids. They do whatever they want.”

Outside of home, I tried very hard to get good grades and be a good student, son, and friend. But many times I am shunned for other weaknesses. Nothing I had control over at the time. I remember growing up in junior high and had people make fun of my shoes. I had Pro-Wings. For those of you who don’t remember, these were the shoes that had plastic soles and was sold in Payless Shoe Source. While all the cool kids wore their Air Jordans 3, I had a pair of shitty shoes. I wanted so badly to have a pair of Air Jordans that I bought a pair about 2 years ago. No it did not redeem the pain and embarassment I had endured for 3 years of my young life, but it is one of those moments where I can say that I conquered something. Maybe this explains why I am so driven to become financially comfortable to the point where owning Air Jordans didn’t really matter. I mean now I can buy as much shoes as I want, but I don’t and I choose not to. I control my destiny and don’t need anybody else telling me how to live my life.

In my first year of college, I was told I needed to take an ESL english course. You can imagine how disappointed I was when I first heard of this. I mean I was a B+ student in high school in which I thought I had a good English background. I mean I spoke to my friends in English, I’ve studied 4 years of English at a very demanding high school. Was I really that stupid that I need to be retrained in the English language? Fortunately, this setback was a blessing in disguise. A couple of weeks ago I came across some papers I had written in the early years of college and decided to read what I wrote. It was the most incoherent piece of work I’ve ever written. I’m glad I was retrained in this skill and gradually learned how to communicate better through writing. Obviously this is still a work in progress, but I’d have to say I’ve come a long way. This blog is the proof in my pudding.

Today I realized that I have another setback that I must conquer. This was realized while trying to demo my application to another group’s VP and trying to explain why we needed a request to fix a bug in our system. I had a difficult time trying to express my thoughts eloquently. At times I believe I think a couple of steps faster than I talk and as a result I have to pause to gather up my thoughts to speak. My mind is constantly racing much faster and I can’t organize my thoughts very well and would get caught in the “Ums” and “Ahs” of a point. I would feel myself flush with embarassment and throwing looks of “HELP!” to my supervisor in hopes of getting bailed out. Most of the time that works, but today I had nobody so I pretty much bullshitted my way out of it. What’s even worse is that they knew I did as well. I need to be more prepared when speaking or presenting to people. So today I want to take the first step in realizing that I have a problem and I need to be aware and most of all prepared for ALL discussions whether it being small or big. The only common thing with this new issue and previous ones is that I will need time for me to realize that I’ve moved pass this problem and finally gain the control of my speaking skills without ever feeling embarassed. I feel its a good thing to admit your weaknesses and to do something about it. Its this constant need to better yourself which should drive your motivation to constantly improve your current situation. Never be stagnant and feel sorry for yourself.

An impromptu game on Sunday turned unfortunate for me. It was just the 4 of us. 3 of us battled it out and took turns being the big stack. There was 2 amazing beat that night, both of which I took part in. First one was an all-in call between Drew and I. I had pocket 7s and he had a heart flush draw. There was a pair showing on the board. So on the river a 7 of hearts came out. Initially I thought I lost that because we saw it was a heart, but then Drew pointed out that I had the boat with the 7 so that was a bad beat for him. Of course karma came to play at my last hand where Shon checks to me on the river. I had 9-4 off suite and caught my third 4 on the river. Thinking I had the hand won, I call all-in and Shon quickly calls it without hesitation. WHAT THE HELL? He throws down his hooks (pocket Js); with the other J on the board and the pair of 4s gives him the boat. He takes the last of my $60 buy-in. Great play Shon! Especially when he was looking to bust me out since he did not want to go heads up with me the whole night. He patiently waited while the others took each other out and timed it with great precision and went in for the kill. Very nice play!

Click here for my first published article on Who is Isabella!

I’d have to say I really like how it turned out. Thanks for the people at Shopper Shuttle for letting me interview and write a story about them and provide me with a very good subject for my inaugural story.

Ever since I was introduced to them by Lex back in 2003, I’ve continously grown to LOVE (not like) their materials. Never have I listen to one group for 3 years straight non-stop without getting bored. Even songs that I did not like before, I’m finding that they are actually very good. Their B-Sides are even better. I can’t wait until they release their next album. I hope I still feel this way for years to come. In a time where things change so fast and so frequently, Radiohead seems to be my only constant.

Another one bites the dust! Shon is officially 30 today so I want to give him a birthday shout-out. I spent about 14 of the last 72 hours of his 29th year in existence eating delicious slabs of steaks and playing poker. Hope you had fun bud! Its not so bad turning 30, right?

On a side note, I lost $20 in our ring game. Was up considerably before playing sloppy at the end. Good times regardless.

I’ve been anticipating tonight for a long time since this would be only the 2nd time going back to the Hustler casino. Based on the first visit where I doubled up, I thought it might be worth a chance to do some heat checking. But tonight was definitely not a night to remember. The deck was way too cold for me to play anything and I slowly went down by $100 in a matter of 2 hours. Didn’t even win one hand. The only one I did have a chance, I was bluffed out by my buddy Shon. Thanks fool! I had pocket 10s and the flop was A-J-J. Oh well, you win a few, you lose a few. That’s the way the story goes. I think I’m still up overall. Tonight after Shon’s birthday dinner, we’re gonna go again w/the usual crowd. Let’s see how I will fair against those guys.